I have decided this might be the best one yet. It may have something to do with the fact that we are just about to have our first child, but it also has to do with the fact that I am more and more determined to live this life as You want me too.
As I reflect over the last 29 years, the ones I remember of course, I see a lot of inconsistencies, heartaches, joy, and a myriad of other things. For all those things I am grateful, I truly am. They made me the person I am and am going to be. There is not one day that goes by that I do not think about something that happened during those years, sometimes its a good thought and sometimes its a hard one. I am starting to realize that even those hard ones have turned out to be blessings. It is all a matter of perspective at some point. My husband has helped me come to see that lately. My perspective, his perspective, and most important God’s perspective. Seeing all 3 of those is very important and being able to make better decisions based off those is even more important. I don’t always do that well. My perspective, especially since I have been pregnant and am now hugely pregnant, has been clouding my sight when it comes to those other 2. But after some much needed reminders and insight from someone much wiser than I am, I determined a starting point for this process of seeing a new perspective. Each day, I will pray whenever, wherever, about whatever hits me. Instead of telling myself I will do this at an appointed time and then never doing it, I am going to do it right then. It doesn’t have to be out loud or written down. It doesn’t have to be more than a few words. It just has to be right then for me. So this is my mission each and everyday to stop and pray right then and there asking for a new perspective about whatever it is that has me upset or worried or whatever it may be. Hopefully, as time goes on I can become more disciplined about my prayer time, but right now it is moment by moment for me. A lot is going to change this year and a lot has already changed and in order for me to do a better job with those changes I have to start somewhere. So I encourage you to start somewhere. You don’t have to wait till your birthday or till major changes are happening. Just make a decision that today you will start doing something different. You will start seeing new perspectives and start praying to God to help you see those things that maybe you don’t want to see or maybe you just cannot see. I know for me it was both and continues to be, but day by day I am determined that this 29th year of mine will be better for my husband, my hopefully arriving soon daughter, and for myself.
I know that God is good. Today was one of those days where I was reminded just how good He is. We had our 24 week check up on our little one. I assumed that this, like each appointment before, all would be fine. Well, it appeared all may not be fine. They thought there might be something wrong with our little one’s heart. Needless to say, my heart skipped a beat when they said this to me. I was sent to a specialist for a more detailed look at her and by God’s grace, nothing is wrong! All is well! Thank God. Within a matter of hours, we had gone from the scary unknown to the safety of the known. This I know…. if we didn’t have God, we would have nothing. Prayers and faith in Him made those few hours of the unknown bearable. Because in Him, all things are possible. He promises all things for good. How can something bad be good? I don’t always know, but I do know that God is good. If He is good, then it all is good. You may be thinking would I still feel the same had things been different. I’ve been through quite a few things in my years and I know He is always with me. Good and bad. He is with us and He is with our little one. After I found out all was okay, it was like a weight had been taken off of me. I was so relieved. Exhausted, happy, and relieved. My husband is asleep now and as tired as I am, I sit here and cry. Relieved. Tired. Thankful. Trying to take in the day and what all it had in store for us. And then I cry some more as I feel her kicks on and on again reminding myself that she’s okay. All okay. We are blessed. She is blessed. Not all people get to have this peace of mind we have after today. I’m quite thankful. This I know. God is good.
It’s been a while and a lot has happened. A lot of really amazing things that I intend on writing about in the coming days, but tonight is about something different. I have some family members that desperately need stability in mind and reality. As of late, there was a situation that took place that really put into light some things. Not good things either. Please pray for them. Hurt feelings and anger do not justify irrational behavior. Remember that your children are watching and it shapes them. It shapes who they are and how they respond to things in this world. We all make mistakes and we need to acknowledge that to each other. When we do that, there needs to be grace and healing that takes place. Of course, we can only achieve those things with God. I guess that’s the thing that need to be prayed for the most. They need God. They need Him present in their life. Truly present, not just an inanimate object they believe in, but something real. That’s what I want for them. I want them to have a relationship with God. Because with Him, all things are possible. People can change and wounds can heal. We see things and acknowledge things about ourselves that we normally couldn’t see. Please Lord, help them find You.
1 Chronicles 16:11 Seek the LORD and his strength; seek his presence continually!
What does one gain toiling day after day under the sun?
December 19, 2007 was the day my Dad died. It will be 9 years tomorrow. That was the worst day of my life. (Up until that point anyway) We knew he was dying. His doctor told us that past Friday that he had 3-5 days left. Imagine being told that someone has a specific amount of time left here on Earth. You really can’t imagine that until you hear it and even then you can’t really grasp it. 5 days. That was it. In 5 days, it was all over. What we had battled for 3 1/2 years and struggled so hard to keep under control and so hard not to let tear us apart happened. He died. I saw him lying there in the bed in my parents bedroom. We had been camping out there since that day we were told what was about to happen. He had gone from talking and walking to comatose and paralyzed. I was 19 years old. Those days used to haunt me. I could remember every single detail about those 5 days. They would replay over and over in my head as if I was reliving them each time. I used to think I could never get past those 5 days. That no matter what happened and how time passed those 5 days would haunt me the rest of my life. But, they don’t anymore. They don’t. I remember them and at times it still feels like I can relive those days when I think hard about them. But I don’t do that to myself anymore. I did for a long time. It almost felt like the burden I was supposed to carry. Like somehow, my pain should be with me each and every single day. That to be happy or to smile was somehow wrong. Oh, how wrong was I?! I knew my Dad wouldn’t want me to be like that and I knew that God wouldn’t want me to be like that, but I wanted me to be like that. I chose to make myself suffer because somehow that made me feel better. Crazy, I know, but true. Don’t misunderstand me. I miss my Dad so very much and I always will. But as tomorrow comes again, and will subsequently come each passing year, I am determined not to make myself suffer that pain anymore. There is no good in it and honestly, it is selfish. It is a way to wallow in self sadness for no good reason other than to say poor me. But poor me is not true. Blessed me! Blessed me is oh so true! December used to be the hardest month of the year for me, but this year that changes. I am getting married at the end of the month and that is cause for ultimate joy. I love how God works. He took one of the saddest times of year for me and is turning it into the most joyful. Our God is a wonderful God. If we just let ourselves go in Him and give Him our pain, He will heal our wounds. He will give us our hearts desire because our heart will desire what He wants for us. So as another December 19th comes tomorrow, I will remember it for it was to me then and what it is to me now. And for how December has truly changed my life so many ways! Merry Christmas!
To the place where it sets, the name of the Lord is to be praised. What a beautiful sight in front of me. The place where the sun is setting. Straight ahead. Right in front of me. I don’t think I’ve ever known what it was like to truly just have no real thought until this moment moment right here. I sit and stare straight ahead at the setting sun and there’s nothing. Nothing in my head. I sit and stare as if nothing is there. The scenery is gorgeous and the weather is perfect. And I just sit here. To be honest, I’m kind of surprised I am here at all. It was a push to do this. Most of me wanted to just stay in my bed, but part of me really wanted to be out here. Somehow, that little part won and here I am. This is truly beautiful out here. I wish I had more to offer this space but I don’t. At the moment, me sitting here is all I can muster. From the rising of the sun, to the place where it sets….