That’s all I got. Ever felt so much, but yet had nothing to say. Bingo. That’s me.
I have an addiction to cheez its. They comfort me. Not only are they delicious, but they make me feel better. It’s after 11pm and I’m in bed with a new box I just opened and am chomping down. They are so yummy, especially when I’m feeling down. It’s so crazy how I can go from a high to a low in just a few days. Self medication. That’s what I keep doing. Trying to find some way to make myself feel better. To cope. To escape. To something.
This is a whole new world to me. Depression I get. I’ve known that for years. But this, anxiety, is all new to me. I don’t know how to deal with it. It is so different in a way to depression. They both suck. And to have them both really sucks. I’ve tried breathing exercises, meditation, and just plain trying to talk myself out of it. Nothing has worked. The mention of words, thoughts, places makes me have a physical, internal reaction. I can’t breathe, my chest hurts, and feels like it’s heavy. I’m so used to mental problems but the physical with mental is hard. Quite hard. They come out of nowhere and I can’t stop it. Lord, help me. Please help me.
That’s pretty much how it feels. There’s been so much in my 29 years I feel like grief is a friend, maybe even a distant relative. It’s not a loving relationship by any means. It’s one that I know exists and one that I wish didn’t. Grief is that horrible thing that is always behind you, around you or in front of you. It seems like such a part of my life now. I guess it’s really a part of everyone’s life at some point. Just wish it wasn’t such a part of mine.
My heart hurts all the time these days. The man I called my second dad passed away unexpectedly 2 weeks ago. This makes the second father I’ve lost in 10 years. I’m not even 30 people! It hurts. It’s an aching that I had not missed. It’s a sense of loss and emptiness I cannot describe. It’s fresh now and always on my mind. But I know what’s coming… Reality. The real reality that he isn’t here. Did you ever want to cry but tears won’t come? Did you ever wish you could just sleep so your brain would just quit and your pain would stop for just a bit? I know God is with me even though He may feel distant. I know He will get me through this like He has every time before. But I don’t want to do this again. Dear Lord, I don’t want to do this again.
Its amazing what our minds can do to ourselves. Our minds control everything from what we do to how we feel. When I was younger, I didn’t realize how much control my mind, my thoughts, had over me. But as time has passed and wise people have shown me, my mind has A LOT to do with how I approach my life. Our thoughts and outlook have so much to do with how we live each day. I am seeing more and more the power my mind really has over me. Before I know it, the thoughts I let race through me have my physical state upset as well as my mental state. I actually give myself heartburn! I started to notice that whenever I would focus or go over those stressful things in my life, I would start to have heartburn. It literally made me physically ill. There are so many things we do to ourselves that we do not even realize. I see this all around me, not just in myself. Life is so much more than what we let ourselves believe at times. We have so much to be thankful and grateful for if we just focus on those things. Its amazing how much better I feel if I let go of those worrisome things, that let’s mention, I cannot control anyway! In writing this, I am preaching to myself. This is something I still struggle with and wish I had a better handle on. I want to be a better example to the people around me. God can do so much through us if we just let Him. In order for Him to work, we have to let Him have our minds and have control over our thoughts each and everyday.
I have decided this might be the best one yet. It may have something to do with the fact that we are just about to have our first child, but it also has to do with the fact that I am more and more determined to live this life as You want me too.
As I reflect over the last 29 years, the ones I remember of course, I see a lot of inconsistencies, heartaches, joy, and a myriad of other things. For all those things I am grateful, I truly am. They made me the person I am and am going to be. There is not one day that goes by that I do not think about something that happened during those years, sometimes its a good thought and sometimes its a hard one. I am starting to realize that even those hard ones have turned out to be blessings. It is all a matter of perspective at some point. My husband has helped me come to see that lately. My perspective, his perspective, and most important God’s perspective. Seeing all 3 of those is very important and being able to make better decisions based off those is even more important. I don’t always do that well. My perspective, especially since I have been pregnant and am now hugely pregnant, has been clouding my sight when it comes to those other 2. But after some much needed reminders and insight from someone much wiser than I am, I determined a starting point for this process of seeing a new perspective. Each day, I will pray whenever, wherever, about whatever hits me. Instead of telling myself I will do this at an appointed time and then never doing it, I am going to do it right then. It doesn’t have to be out loud or written down. It doesn’t have to be more than a few words. It just has to be right then for me. So this is my mission each and everyday to stop and pray right then and there asking for a new perspective about whatever it is that has me upset or worried or whatever it may be. Hopefully, as time goes on I can become more disciplined about my prayer time, but right now it is moment by moment for me. A lot is going to change this year and a lot has already changed and in order for me to do a better job with those changes I have to start somewhere. So I encourage you to start somewhere. You don’t have to wait till your birthday or till major changes are happening. Just make a decision that today you will start doing something different. You will start seeing new perspectives and start praying to God to help you see those things that maybe you don’t want to see or maybe you just cannot see. I know for me it was both and continues to be, but day by day I am determined that this 29th year of mine will be better for my husband, my hopefully arriving soon daughter, and for myself.